Life is a journey. As much as you try to plan for things you just have to learn to expect the unexpected. As much as you want to control the outcome of situations you have to learn to just let go. You have to accept people as they are and not try to change them into something you want. I realized I’ve tried to play God in many aspects of my life. I’m realizing more and more the reasons behind why I am the way I am today. I am still smoke free and I am so happy for it. 7 months. I’ve realized my recovery has only just begun. There are still so many doors to open. I don’t have it all figured out and I will never pretend I do. There’s many times I lay down at night and cry because I have so many questions unanswered. All I can say is that I am very blessed to have jonathon as my man who helps me keep my faith strong even when I feel like giving up. And my recovery group who is always there to listen and encourage me.
It’s never easy to say Goodbye. In any way. Sometimes it’s for the best. Especially when you’ve been deeply hurt by someone you cared for. There comes a time when we have to take off the rose covered glasses and see things for what they truly are. Even when what we see is ugly. We must take this sinful world for what it is and accept the things we can not change. I’ve learned a lot these past 6 months. I found some treasures about myself that I will keep, but I also discovered deep pain inflicted on me by people I’ve loved. We must keep moving forward no matter how much we want to run away from the pain of our child hood or past we have to face it. We have to face the pain we have inflicted on others in past relationships. The hardest things to say are the words that mean the most. People misunderstand me a lot of times. I do do things out of love. And it’s like Paul said “if I were still trying to please man then I wouldn’t be a servant of Christ”. The hardest thing I ever had to do in my life was look into the eyes of the one person on this earth i loved more than anything, someone I spent every day with for 2 years and let them go because our relationship wasn’t God honoring and I knew I wasn’t the right girl for him no matter how much I wanted to be. Now i am in a relationship with an amazing man who protects me and cares for me like no one in my life ever has before. We strive to put God at the forefront of our relationship and acknowledge when we sin. This is an example of how our God works. He takes a negative and turns it to glorify himself! Amen!
I haven’t written in a while. It’s been driving me absolutely crazy. I’ll be honest i’m feeling a little down. This seems to be one of my darker days. I’ve been getting panic attacks a little more frequently. My doctor doesn’t want to increase my medicine so I’m probably going to have to go to therapy. Which Im fine with. Many people don’t understand me. I’m not always happy. Sometimes I have my dark days. Its these days that make me realize how much I need Jesus. I learned this morning that my uncle who has been battling cancer passed away. I know he is in a better place and he doesn’t have to suffer anymore but I just worry about his beautiful wife and his 5 girls. Today I feel weak. I dont normally like to admit when I feel weak and I don’t normally feel this way but I feel weak. Pray that God will strengthen me. I wrote something last night. Im not going to say who it pertains to but it is a sad realization. “There’s a house and it’s burning. The flames are getting higher and higher, I rush in the house to save them only to find they are sitting down in the fire. I try to give them a hand to help them up, they refuse. So instead I try to pick them up to carry them, but they are to heavy and I am not strong enough. I’ve been in the fire to long, I’m starting to burn. There’s comes a time when you have to walk out of the burning house and watch the people you love burn. We are not God.”
The word “beautiful” is said to originate from Latin. Since the term “beau” is French and French derives from Latin. I have been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be beautiful. We normally associate this word with something or someone who has truly captivated our attention or hearts. Society has it’s own standards for beautiful. If you are a woman you know these all to well. Unfortunately that’s the lie that so many of us have boughten into. My idea of beauty has radically changed since I started my recovery. I use to only see beauty as an outward appearance. Yes of course a good personality would help but nothing deeper than that. Maybe perhaps it’s because that’s how I was raised. Beautiful to me is something that truly captivates my heart. Beautiful far surpasses physical exterior. It’s seeing into someones soul as to who God created them to be and their purpose in this life. It’s seeing how the pain and scars of life have made them who they are and how they are using those very things to bring glory to God. Nothing is more beautiful than someone who is truly living their life to Glorify God especially through pain. So many women in our society just want to be considered beautiful. They will go to any extreme to pursue this. My hope and I feel one of my life’s missions is that women wouldn’t look to magazines for answers. That they wouldn’t try to find their beauty in the things of this world!!!!! And that they wouldn’t look ANYWHERE but to God our savior Lord Jesus Christ for their beauty.
I’m an addict. Going to recovery has made me realize that I will always be an addict, I am just learning to manage my addictions through the power of Jesus Christ. I am currently free from addition,( contrary to popular belief) God has strengthened my soul to cover come the evil one. I’m not going to go into detail on exactly what my addictions consisted of, just know there were many and in all shapes and sizes. What I will reveal however is where they rooted from. They rooted from not knowing how to fully cope with my emotions. The pain ran so deep. I became emotionally callus. I hung out with only guys because I could hide my emotions better with them. Jesus has been captivating my heart to help me to see the truth behind the lies the devil told me. The copeing mechanisms I used led me to idolatry at it’s finest. I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I am an addict and that it is only the healing power of Jesus Christ that can heal me from my pain.
God has been doing some pretty amazing things in my life. I look at myself now and the girl I was 4 months ago and it’s crazy how much I’ve changed. I use to be a control freak. Well I suppose I still struggle with it to a degree but it’s no where it use to be. I wanted to control every aspect of my life. I wanted the perfect life. I was a perfectionist. I wanted to find the perfect man and get married. I wanted to find the perfect career. I planned my life in such a way that any minor change would throw off my balance. Needless to say God quickly (once again) brought me to my knees. This life isn’t about me!!!!!!! It isn’t about you!! It’s about God. Whether you realize it now ( which is my hope and prayer) or when you die, you will be brought to your knees either way! The bible makes this clear it Romans 14:11 and Philippians 2:10. Every since I’ve been living in Gods will i am alot more happier. I feel Gods hand on my life. And to be honest…. It’s a relief. I’m learning I don’t have to be perfect, things dont always need to go the way i want them to, because there was already someone who was perfect and his name is Jesus. I no longer need to be a slave to this idea of perfection because christ died to set me free. With that being said I don’t always fully understand what God is up to in my life. Sometimes thats hard because I’m such an analyzer!!!! God has blessed me with a lot of very special people in my life. I love my girls (( you know who you are)) and I love my guys(( you also know who you are)). Without you all reflecting love and christ to me I wouldn’t be who I am today. With that being said I met someone who is truly an amazing person. This person is sees me for who I really am, without even physically seeing me. I love their passion for the gospel and how much they want to change lives for the glory of God. I’ve never met someone who could see me the way this person does. Just wanted to give a special shout out to my new friend : ) and say Thank you for reflecting Christ to me.
I’ve spent the majority of my morning with God. I’ve been really trying to get into his word and understand what kind of woman he has called me to be. I’ve learned three things thus far. 1. God is sovereign. 2. I’m Crazy 3. And woman companionship is essential for my walk. I was going through some old pictures of myself throughout the years and it’s funny because I can tell you where I was in my walk with Christ in every single one. You can probably tell because my clothing or lack there of reflects in a few of the pictures. It’s funny that girls think the only way to attract a man is to wear revealing clothes. Yeah, you may get his attention…until the next girl walks by in revealing clothes. LADIES GUARD YOUR PURITY! We as woman have made a lot of mistakes. Society has misguided us! I’m included in this! Very much so! I pray that the younger generation will understand this concept better than I did at their age. I said I was crazy because I believed in the lie. I seriously tried EVERYTHING to be happy a part from God. I never wanted to fully submit my life to him because I’m a control freak and I suppose my foolish pride thought that it would be better my way.. Oh, how I was so very wrong. I never was fully happy. I got a taste of happiness but never did I live in the freedom that Christ died for. I am starting to live in that freedom and I have never been more content with my life. I’ve lost a lot of things in the past few months. Friends, Brendon, my reputation, my addictions, my pride etc. But those were all things I was a slave to. Although I still am coping with the pain of the loss, God has finally set my soul free. There are so many lost girls out there. It makes my heart ache. They have no sense of identity. They are just searching for someone, something to make their life complete. Looking for the next “night Out” or experience to get an emotional high off of but when everything is said and done and they lay their head to rest at night they have no idea what it means to be happy with themselves as a person. I hope everyone who reads this..(i dont even know if anyone reads this lol I post it because they are things that are on my heart) knows that this kind of happiness is available through Jesus. You may think I’m crazy, and that’s okay because I am in many ways but it’s the truth. I MADE MY BED IN THE PIT OF HELL, and God still rescued me. Amen. My life will be a blazing offering to God. All glory will be his. I will say if you are bothered by my spreading of the gospel then I would suggest you unfollow me now or delete me off facebook because I promise you there is way more to come. But I hope and pray that you will make a honest search of your heart and just be true to yourself.
Someday I hope to find someone who I can share my soul with. Someone who loves me for who I am. A man who truly captivates my heart. A man who can give me his heart and trust it to be safe. A man who is constantly seeking God with all of his heart. A love that only he and I will share. Something scared. Maybe someday I will be able to give him my journal and he get a glimpse into my soul…someday.
For many years especially growing up a Christian I’ve known what the term ” born again Christian” was but I had never seen it in my own life. Sure I got more involved with church, prayed more often, and even began to make Christian friends but I didn’t let go completely of my own self. I loved her. I created her. She appeared strong so she wouldn’t get hurt again. She hid behind her addictions and men. She never knew who she truly was but she occasionally got a glimpse. She lived in fear. She never wanted to give God complete control of her life because she was afraid of what that meant. Now I’ve realized it was the only way to be happy with my life. I’ve died. The old Sarah is gone, but I’ve finally found my life and all the glory is God’s. I live to glorify his name, fearlessly and limitlessly. He has been calling me to ministry for a long time, now I am finally ready to fully pursue his call. I have an overwhelming peace about my life. John piper once said “God is most glorified through us when we are most satisfied in him.”
